The Argument Sketch from Monty Python Live at City Center                            
        ****
 
A man walks into an office.
 
Man: Good morning, I'd like to have an argument, please.
Receptionist: Certainly, sir.  Have you been here before?
Man: No, this is my first time.
Receptionist: I see, well we'll see who's free at the moment.
              Mr. Bakely's free, but he's a little bit concilliatory.  No.
              Try Mr. Barnhart, room 12.
Man: Thank you.
 
He enters room 12.
 
Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT?
Man: Well, Well, I was told outside that...
Angry man: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!
Man: What?
A: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT!  YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE!  YOU VACUOUS
   STUFFY-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!
M: Yes, but I came here for an argument!!
A: OH!  Oh!  I'm sorry!  This is abuse!
M: Oh!  Oh I see!
A: Aha!  No, you want room 12A, next door.
M: Oh...Sorry...
A: Not at all!
A: (under his breath) stupid git.
 
The man goes into room 12A.  Another man is sitting behind a desk.
 
Man: Is this the right room for an argument?
Other Man:(pause) I've told you once.
Man:  No you haven't!
Other Man: Yes I have.
M: When?
O: Just now.
M: No you didn't!
O: Yes I did!
M: You didn't!
O: I did!
M: You didn't!
O: I'm telling you, I did!
M: You didn't!
O: (breaking into the developing argument) Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute
   argument, or the full half hour?
M: Ah!  (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes.
O: Just the five minutes.  Thank you.
   Anyway, I did.
M: You most certainly did not!
O: Now let's get one thing perfectly clear: I most definitely told you!
M: Oh no you didn't!
O: Oh yes I did!            ___
M: Oh no you didn't!           \
O: Oh yes I did!                \
M: Oh no you didn't!             \
O: Oh yes I did!                  \
M: Oh no you didn't!               \
O: Oh yes I did!                    \
M: Oh no you didn't!                 \
O: Oh yes I did!                      > very fast
M: Oh no you didn't!                 /
O: Oh yes I did!                    /
M: No you DIDN'T!                  /
O: Oh yes I did!                  /
M: No you DIDN'T!                /
O: Oh yes I did!                /
M: No you DIDN'T!              /
O: Oh yes I did!           ___/
M: Oh look, this isn't an argument!
 
(pause)
 
O: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!
 
(pause)
 
M: It's just contradiction!
O: No it isn't!
M: It IS!
O: It is NOT!
M: You just contradicted me!
O: No I didn't!
M: You DID!
O: No no no!
M: You did just then!
O: Nonsense!
M: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!
 
(pause)
 
O: No it isn't!
M: Yes it is!
   (pause)
   I came here for a good argument!
O: AH, no you didn't, you came here for an *argument*!
M: An argument isn't just contradiction.
O: Well!  it CAN be!
M: No it can't!
   An argument is a connected series of statement intended to establish a
   proposition.
O: No it isn't!
M: Yes it is!  'tisn't just contradiction.
O: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position!
M: Yes but it isn't just saying "no it isn't".
O: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!
O: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!
O: Yes it is!
M: No it ISN'T!  Argument is an intellectual process.  Contradiction is just
   the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
O: It is NOT!
M: It is!
O: Not at all!
M: It is!
 
>DING!<       The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops.
 
O: Thank you, that's it.
M: (stunned) What?
 
O: That's it.  Good morning.
M: But I was just getting interested!
O: I'm sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: That was never five minutes!!
O: I'm afraid it was.
M: (leading on)  No it wasn't.....
 
(pause)
O: (dirty look) I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.
M: WHAT??
O: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five
   minutes.
M: But that was never five minutes just now!
   (pause... the Other Man raises his eyebrows)
   Oh Come on!
   Oh this is...
   This is ridiculous!
O: I told you...
   I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you PAY!
M: Oh all right.  (takes out his wallet and pays again.)  There you are.
O: Thank you.
M: (clears throat) Well...
O: Well WHAT?
M: That was never five minutes just now.
O: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
M: Well I just paid!
O: No you didn't!
M: I DID!!!
O: YOU didn't!
M: I DID!!!
O: YOU didn't!
M: I DID!!!
O: YOU didn't!
M: I DID!!!
O: YOU didn't!
M: (unable to talk straight he's so mad) I don't want to argue about it!
O: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay!
M: Ah HAH!!  Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing???  Ah HAAAAAAHHH!
   Gotcha!
O: (pause) No you haven't!
M: Yes I have!
   If you're arguing, I must have paid.
O: Not necessarily.
   I *could* be arguing in my spare time.

Uhm... Due to cosmic interference, the rest of the play was swallowed by a dog that really didn't mean to. Weirdness. If you've got the rest, please email it.